Children Deserve Safety—Not Friendship With Their Bullies

I'm not friends with bullies!

Children Deserve Safety—Not Friendship With Their Bullies

I was honestly shocked to see a report this morning suggesting that some schools are encouraging kids to make friends with their bullies. This advice is not just appalling—it’s harmful. When you really think about who stands to benefit from this kind of strategy, it’s clear: it’s not your child, and it’s not you if you’re facing something similar. The ones who benefit are the school, the bully, and the system around them—not the victim.

Who Is This Really Helping?

• The school or workplace gets to avoid dealing with the real problem. By telling victims to “make friends” with their bullies, the responsibility for fixing the situation is dumped right back onto the person who’s already been hurt.

• The bully gets off with no real consequences. In fact, they get more power and more chances to keep up their behaviour.

• The victim? They’re left carrying the blame and the burden, and nothing changes for them—except maybe feeling even more powerless.

Why This Approach Is So Damaging

If you’re told to befriend your bully, you’re being asked to fix a problem you didn’t create. The victim is already feeling powerless, and now the expectation is that they should step up and make everything better. If it doesn’t work, the blame lands right back on them: “Did you do what we told you? Did you try to make friends?” Suddenly, it’s the victim’s fault for not solving the problem—a classic case of victim blaming.

Meanwhile, the bully faces no consequences. They continue on, maybe even feeling validated, while the victim is left isolated, sometimes even avoiding school altogether. The system rewards the bully’s behaviour and leaves the person who was hurt to deal with the fallout.

Friendship Isn’t the Answer

Let’s be real: friendship is built on trust and safety. There is neither in a relationship between a bully and their victim, nor should there be. Forcing kids into these unsafe relationships teaches them to ignore their own intuition—their body and brain signals that say, “I’m not safe.” That’s a recipe for a lifetime of people-pleasing and unhealthy relationships.

Bullies don’t want to be friends with their victims, and victims don’t want to be friends with their bullies. This isn’t a solution for anyone.

What Can You Do?

• Speak up for your child. They’re powerless in this situation and need your voice.

• Expect pushback. Leadership often resists being held accountable. That’s not your problem.

• Get comfortable being “that parent.” You might be labelled a troublemaker, but you’re not—the trouble is the bully and the system that protects them.

• Don’t wait for permission. You have every right to advocate for your child and to have your concerns taken seriously. If nothing changes, keep saying it.

• Know when to walk away. Sometimes, the cost of staying is too high. Many families end up withdrawing their children from school—not because they want to, but because they have to protect their child’s mental and physical health.

Final Thoughts

In the end, bullies often “win” in these systems, and that’s not okay. Forcing victims to befriend their bullies doesn’t create safety or change behaviour—it just shifts the burden and blame. Our kids deserve better. They deserve real action, real accountability, and real safety at school.